Caution strong emotion ahead...read at your own risk...

There is something about this weather that starts making you think. You think about your world, how small or big, your mind how crazy or sane. Recently I have found that my mind has gone a bit crazy. I am realizing things about myself that I don't want to know. I am thinking of things that I don't want to explore. My friend Choll made a heartfelt post today about a very hard thing and I applaud her. It is hard to start to realize our own faults, even though most of us have our minds tell us them all day long. Choll linked to a blogger friend of hers that asked some hard questions of her readers. I found one of the questions to be something that is plaguing my mind lately.

Are you good at confronting/challenging people when you have an issue?

I despise confrontation and will do all I can, even to my own detriment to never confront people. This is only the case in my personal life. While at work I am quick to call people out on their problems and help them find a real solutions. I feel today like a split personality. Since I have realized this, Tuesday, I find that I am second guessing every thought, action, conversation. I find it hard to concentrate in the day to day grind. I find that other peoples needs are coming before mine. I do this with everyone. I am careful around my family not saying something that will upset them. I am careful around my relationship fearful of a fight or worse confrontation. I sit an listen maybe never saying what I mean. I find myself more comfortable when I am with a friend and speaking my mind about the issue and never confronting the person who is causing the issue. Most of all I am not challenging myself with issues and it is really really scary. I don't want to deal with things it may show a weakness or that I am actually fragile and other people will know it. When I become strong enough how will others deal with the conflict I will need to bring to them: moving, the letters, work, vacations.

I am using this blog right now as a tool to free my mind. I also am praying that I will have the energy too focus on healthy confrontation.